What do you want?

Many of us ring in the new year with boatloads of resolutions, promises, and grandiose wishes. Perhaps you found yourself reflecting quietly to yourself this weekend, wishing for happiness, love, and peace. “I just want it all”….you know you’ve said it. While these are lofty aims, they are much much too vague. Especially since “it all” is different for each and every one of us.

Most of us don’t walk into a restaurant and ask the server to bring  us something delicious. While we may have the occasional spontaneous day, we normally carefully review the menu, choose something to our liking, and THEN place our order, perhaps with some modifications.

“Those who get what they want tend to be the ones who know what they want”. The person who orders something specific at a restaurant is more likely to be satisfied with the result. If you leave things in the hands of others, you run the very high risk of not liking what is brought out or not getting anything at all. What right do we have then, to complain about what we get if we haven’t even taken the effort to identify what it is that we want?

In order to figure out what we really want, we must often first identify what we do not want and cannot tolerate. Things that cause a negative reaction within us or make us feel uncomfortable. It is important to not just pay attention to those feelings, but to specifically identify what it is about a particular thing or behavior that has caused this reaction within us. It is not enough to say “you hurt me”. We must identify… “I don’t like being disrespected/lied to/yelled at, etc..” The more specific you can get about what bothers you, the more clear you can be about what you want.

Many of us stop half way through this first step. We are quick to identify everything that is wrong, but don’t take the time to evaluate what and why. We are stuck in the phase of complaining…which rarely, if ever, brings any results. Once we’ve identified specifically what’s bothering us about our lives, a person, a specific situation, etc, we can start to imagine possibilities. Possible solutions that would make us feel better. Once we allow these  possibilities to creep into our minds, we start to clarify our preferences. And once preferences accumulate, we can specifically pinpoint exactly what it is that we’re looking for.

If we take the time when we order food, why should it be any different when we make requests of our own lives? What is it that will bring you happiness? How can you bring more love into your life? And find peace? It’s a tall order to make, but one worth thinking about.

*the concept for this post came from an article in the most recent issue of Oprah’s magazine.

Are you a Carrot, Egg, or Coffee Bean?

When I was younger, my dad sent me this story, and I wanted to share it because it changed the way I viewed adversity. I was always a quite resilient individual...my family reminded me of that often. But enduring difficult times is just half the battle...How do you let it change you? Are you a carrot, egg, or coffee bean?

A daughter complained to her father about life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of struggling. It seemed that as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

The daughter sucked her teeth and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a
bowl. Turning to her he asked. "What do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. She said, "What's the point?"

He explained that each of the items had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong and hard. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

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What strikes me about this concept of being a coffee bean is that it's more than just enduring adversity without letting it affect you negatively. It implies that as a result of difficult times, we enrich our environment. Obviously we don't walk around leaking coffee, so what does that look like? How do we acquire characteristics of our endeared expresso bean?

We've all seen and/or experienced the infectious nature of a random small act of kindness, or the simple act of smiling at a passerby. It has a dominoe effect. Now imagine when we are having a rough day, and we let that impact how we interact with others. It can have the same dominoe effect in a negative way.

The moment we see difficulties in life as tests and recognize that there is a wisdom/purpose behind each one, we start to receive confirmation that everything is as it should be. We sometimes hope for miracles or signs to feel God and help change situations we may find ourselves in, but I would argue that these very confirmations are the symphony of Divine presence in our lives. Constantly surrounding us, embracing us, and protecting us. We just have to develop the capacity, perspective and attitude to see it. Once we view things through the lens of "everything happens for a reason" and "this too shall pass", we are better able to understand the wisdom behind tests and remain positive during times of difficulty. Finding peace in the comfort of knowing that we are loved and never alone.

Failure's not an option.

 

“Becoming a successful person involves the sacrifice of some experiences in order to experience more deeply the values which are connected with and which promote one’s own destiny. Having decided what we want to be and what we want to do, we must exercise some selection in the experiences we seek, choosing those which are conducive to our goals and refusing those which could deter us…I would ask you to make a commitment to your life principle and have a passion for it…in making a commitment means making a choice and a surrender – a yes, and a no. something is and something else can never e again. In making this commitment, you are putting yourself on the line. It is at this point that so many seem to collapse within arms reach of greatness and they faint at the thought of never returning…”

One of my professors shared this quote with us at the beginning of the semester and I have referred back to it many times since. The times I really wanted to go dancing but stayed in because I had class the next morning. Or go to brunch with friends, but had an assignment or exam coming up. I’ve tried to remain connected, but I know I’ve missed out on things here and there because of my commitment to school. These are sacrifices I’ve made in order to accomplish something I’ve been working towards for many years.

So it made me wonder…if I employed this same mentality towards tackling other challenges I face (running late, procrastinating, accomplishing fitness goals, etc) where would I be? We all have setbacks, make mistakes, make excuses, etc. We come up with reasons why we haven't accomplished x, y, z. But the truth of the matter is that we often get in our own way of accomplishing our goals.

In the past when I've wanted to kick a habit I'd make a 30 day contract. “30 days without chick-fil-a”. And if I broke that contract, I’d owe a friend a certain amount of money. You may think, okay, that’s great. People work harder when they have something to lose. Which may be true. And that’s not to say that these 30-day contracts haven’t worked for me. But sometimes they don’t. If we are constantly setting stakes for ourselves, we are creating the possibility of not succeeding. We are telling ourselves that it is okay to just try and never accomplish anything. If we are truly ever going to come out of a situation we are unsatisfied with, the bargaining has to stop, and we have to stop giving ourselves the option to not make things happen.

I’ve always been afraid to set concrete goals because the self-disappointment if I don’t accomplish them is almost unbearable. Perhaps this is why I have always been so gentle when setting goals. Allowing myself lee-way. The option to not be successful. That probably explains why I have never followed through with any fitness goal I’ve set myself. I will toot my own horn and say I lost 50lbs last year simply by exercising and eating healthy. It was a slow and gradual process. But I also packed back on 25lbs this year by being lenient with myself one too many times. I was 5lbs away from my goal. Let’s just say having a spoon of nutella as a treat is one thing. But when that “just this once” treat turns into a regular habit, before you know it you’ve gone through 4 jars in a matter of months. That’s a problem. I know EXACTLY where those 25lbs came from lol. We allow ourselves to “cheat” once in awhile. But before we know it, “once in awhile” has become a habit. And we are stuck where we don’t want to be.

Monday I spent hours talking with one of my friends. I’ve informally designated him my official unofficial trainer/motivator during this process lol. We talked about the importance of having a vision and making things happen. My concrete fitness goals were one of the fruits of that discussion. Still the next day I felt the need to raise the stakes. I told him I’d give him $200 if I did not meet my goal by May 19. I was stuck in my old mentality that created the possibility of not succeeding. He responded with what are among the most powerful words someone’s ever said to me: “No, you gotta learn not to let yourself down.” Learn to not let yourself down.

Make. It. Happen. It’s that simple.

Goals vs. Promises

Going into Op Reboot, I didn’t want to set specific goals for myself for fear of making promises and not following through. But I’ve quickly realized a great fault in that approach. It allows the option to not succeed. I’ve struggled with reconciling the concept of “say little and do much” as my grandmother so wisely counseled my cousin, and the idea of setting concrete goals. “I’m going to accomplish X by X date”. The mere act of stating a goal…are those not words? We have stated we will do something. And if we do not follow through, it affects our credibility. Yet, even if we do not speak that goal, it is still something we have defined. We must define. Setting goals, therefore, is different than broadcasting promises. We need concrete goals in order to have something to work towards. Otherwise we are proceeding aimlessly.

Setting goals is an important part of any plan. In nursing, for example, care plans are developed for every patient. They consist of (1) diagnoses, (2) goals/outcomes, (3) Intervention/Implementation, (4) Evaluation. The wonderful thing about these plans is that they are not only patient centered, but goal oriented. Short term and long term goals are identified. They must be specific, realistic, and have a time frame upon which the goal should be completed. Interventions are basically a list of things the nurse and patient will do to meet that goal. And after the designated time frame has passed, the outcome is evaluated as to whether or not the goal(s) was met. And the plan gets modified accordingly.

One of my goals with Op Reboot is to get back in shape. Let’s be real. Everyone wants to look good and feel good in their body. I am no exception to that rule. However, I would like to emphasize that my main focus has never been and never will be for pure weight loss. Yes, I want to look good, BUT, I believe in a holistic approach to wellness, and establishing healthy lifestyle habits that can be maintained for a lifetime. Regular exercise, healthy diet, and spiritual nourishment are key. Being at a healthy weight for your height and age significantly decreases your risk for heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Learning in depth about all these disorders this past semester in nursing school only confirmed and reiterated that fact and the need to have healthy habits.

 

Back in 2008 I had reached 200lbs. It was at that point that I realized I needed to change the way I was living. By the beginning of this year I had dropped down to 150. After awhile I stopped working out as regularly (it was cold, I didn’t make the time, etc), but I didn’t gain weight because I maintained healthy eating habits. I plateaued for several months….but then nutella and nursing school happened lol. I currently weigh 175lbs with a BMI of 29.12 which puts me at the higher end of the “overweight” category. I don’t suffer from any health conditions due to my weight, but obesity runs in my family and so does diabetes. So the motivation to get down to a healthier weight is there. And beyond the health benefits lies my passion for dancing which in and of itself requires some level of fitness. I dream of one day taking a hip hop or contemporary dance class and both would be extremely difficult without a strong core, muscle strength, and flexibility.

The items I listed at the beginning of Op Reboot are still a valid part of my “care plan” but I will look at them more like “interventions” than “goal/outcomes” towards the path of healthy mind, body and spirit. So for my physical health, I won’t sit here and write that I’ll make it to the gym X amount of times every week. Or that I won’t eat desserts ever again. But I will say that I aim to be 145 by May 19, 2012. And 120 (BMI of 20 - "normal weight") by the time I graduate nursing school (December 2012). These are my specific, realistic, and deadlined goals.

To close, this quote:

“It is a shame for a [woman] to grow old without ever seeing the strength and beauty of which [her] body is capable.” -- Socrates

Here's to a journey that just got more real.